Beautiful Love... An Excerpt

This is an actual excerpt from my personal journal. Some of the stuff has been altered and/or changed altogether. What, exactly? Nunya damn business! Just g'head and read. Enjoy!

"…I'm so mad I deleted those text messages. I'm mad that I'm sitting here analyzing the past 6 years...There's stuff I remember. There's stuff I've forgotten. I dunno. I know that I'm in love with him. And yeah, it's off and on (due to the inconsistencies in our encounters). I mean, everyone knows you can fall in and out of love. But do you ever stop loving? It's been a week and change (almost 2) since I've seen him last. I miss him all the time -even more than before. I'm waiting for him to call me. I want him to call me. I need him to call me.  
 I'm still waiting for Kendall to call me, too. I want an explanation. I think what he did was childish, immature, and flat out fucking RUDE! So, yeah, I'm still waiting for a call from him. And yes, I expect a call from him. I'm asking you, God, for a phone call from Kendall... In the name of Jesus (He said, "Ask anything in my name"). I'm sorry for cursing, but I really feel strongly about this whole situation!! 
But back to Warren. As far as he's concerned, I can't make him love me, and I know you won't make him love me. And I'm not asking for you to do so -I already know he does. So, that's not it. I really just want happiness for me and for him -together or not. What 'm asking for, like I said, is the next time a beautiful love (be it him, "Jimbo", "Billy-Bob", WHOEVER he may be) finds me, I pray, hope, wish, want, NEED it to STAY! I pray that whoever finds that beautiful love with me works as hard as I do (if that's even necessary) to keep it. And honestly, my prayer is that it won't be a lot of work. Do I want it to be with Warren? Yes, absolutely. But, more than that, I want it -that beautiful love. That unconditional, indescribable, commensurate love.  
One could say if my family loves me, I've got unconditional love. But we all know it's not the same. I love my family. I love that my family loves me. But the love they have for me, and I, them, is not even in the same league as the love for which I long.

 "I dream of a love that even Time will lie down and be still for."

*sigh* That quote… My God! It touches me so. Am I a hopeless romantic? I'd like to think I’m a hopeFUL romantic -a true believer of Love! I dream of love. I live in love! I've had love and it's had me. And for a time -an incredibly short time- it was beautiful! All the things the books talk about. The stuff that the movies are made of… it exists!! I've seen it! I've lived it!  …And I want it back! It was jerked, violently from me! Stolen...  
But I kept my heart open… Hoping that it'd come back to me. Hoping that if I left my door open it'd find its way home. I accepted the fact that if it returned it may not be in its original form. I accepted that it may never be everything it once was, because my heart had been broken. And unless I got a new heart -which could never happen- love, for me would never be the same. But I was always there… waiting. Willing to give it another shot. And I tried. Several impostors showed up -all of whom broke my heart just a little more. I blame myself... not for letting love return to me or leaving the door open, but for not giving myself enough time to heal. I'm so starved for love, so desperate for it, that even when the love showed it was false, that it wasn't really for me, that it was not-so-beautiful, I held on because I was guaranteed that at least SOME of the time, it would feel like the real thing."

I was reading an article today about loving vs being in love, and it reminded me, specifically of the preceding entry from my journal. I flipped to it, and sure as hell, it was related. I wanted to share this because I feel that if I could relate to the article, if my exact  feelings had been floating out there in the world to be perfectly conveyed by some stranger, there have to be plenty more who feel the way I do -plenty more people who could read my thoughts and agree wholeheartedly that indeed, Love is a motherfucker.

I've always loved wholly, unconditionally. I always will. I mean Love is without condition. I've always hated when people say they'd no longer love a person if "XYZ". How do you put stipulations on Love??? If that's how you feel, you don't really LOVE. Anyway, I've always given my all, and though I never expected it, I wanted to be LOVED in return. I always wanted to feel how it felt to receive what i gave (or something like it). So, yeah, I was dating. I was "talking" to a guy or two. Eventually, I was loving and in love with a man -all in the hope of finding a beautiful love again. The man I was loving/in love with, our situation (no, he didn't have another woman, and don't ask what it was) made it very difficult for us to make that beautiful love. But I settled for what I could get, because all I wanted was to be loved. And in my heart of hearts, when we were together, he loved me, so I waited for him. Regarding the "impostors", I look back on it now as part of "the game". You win some, you lose some. That's what they say -whoever "they" are… Damn. I guess I've lost quite a few. Anyway, a passage from the article read:

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for? This torture, this powerful death of self? Why? The answer is so simple: cause it's...LOVE. It is such an incredible and addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.

That hit me right in my chest when I read it. I think it's SO true that deeply, we, as human beings want nothing more than love. And it's remarkable what we're willing to do and put ourselves through for it. 

"Love is a drug, like the strongest stuff ever!", right?